I can barely see it but it is there. I have been in such a dark place for months now....maybe it has been years. But these last few months have been darker than usual, like after Bud died. Sometimes, rarely, I can see God's love for me, how much He cares for me and then that light appears again. But it goes away....again and again. I want to be alive. I am hoping this really is just from being pregnant, like Ben says. He says I am always like this in pregnancy. I can see that now. But it was for different reason each time, except these last two feel the same. Spring really is here and it feels great! It is healing. We found morel mushrooms today (Joanna and I) and yesterday, me and the kids. We found about 12-14 all together and we are about to grill a steak and try them out! Ben is up north cutting down trees in the U.P. on our land. Just me and the kids for a few days. It hurt so bad that he left without us. I was so excited to go up there and feel it all out.
I hope that the kids will look back and remember only the goods times, the "good" mommy. But I do want and need them to see the truth about me....as much as it hurts that I have laid my burdens on them.
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