Good mother, Bad mother....

A good mother....

gives enough space to the big kids to play and learn but checks up on them now and then to make sure they are being kind to each other when they think Mom is too busy.

reminds her children gently that some habits are hard to break when they are older so do it now (ex. keep your promise to your sister)

knows when to direct attention elsewhere or to each other

makes children have chores and work but works with them happily

knows when she puts too much work on them or is asking for too much

smiles often

goes with the flow so smoothly and quietly

trusts only in Jesus for the right way to guide and lead.



a bad mother...

nevermind, too many of these ideas hit home and make me feel worse.

a very small light is up ahead...

I can barely see it but it is there. I have been in such a dark place for months now....maybe it has been years. But these last few months have been darker than usual, like after Bud died. Sometimes, rarely, I can see God's love for me, how much He cares for me and then that light appears again. But it goes away....again and again. I want to be alive. I am hoping this really is just from being pregnant, like Ben says. He says I am always like this in pregnancy. I can see that now. But it was for different reason each time, except these last two feel the same. Spring really is here and it feels great! It is healing. We found morel mushrooms today (Joanna and I) and yesterday, me and the kids. We found about 12-14 all together and we are about to grill a steak and try them out! Ben is up north cutting down trees in the U.P. on our land. Just me and the kids for a few days. It hurt so bad that he left without us. I was so excited to go up there and feel it all out.

I hope that the kids will look back and remember only the goods times, the "good" mommy. But I do want and need them to see the truth about me....as much as it hurts that I have laid my burdens on them.